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wanna really know me? [30 Dec 2003|04:00am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

You think you know but you have no idea. This is the real me.
If you don't want to read all of it then skip it and I’ll just think you are a piece of shit who couldn’t care less. How can I expect someone else to "get" me when I can't even "get" myself. There's some things that I don't understand no matter how hard I try. And it's not just math. I wouldn't say that I think differently from other people my age, or have too obscure of thoughts or anything. I'd say that it's just the matter of how I take everything in around me. I don't think that enough people show how they feel toward different things until you hear them say it and it totally takes you by surprise because of that.

If one person would "get" me I think it would make me most happy. But this person would have to be similar to me. Maybe even compatiable. There is more to me than what meets the eye and maybe you'll acutally get what I mean. That is, only if you bare though this and if you do, you must actually care deep down somewhere inside of you.

From just seeing me from the outside can mean absoultely nothing. One the outside, I hate dressing up. I just like wearing black band t-shirts and jeans. I like hoodies too but this really doesnt have anything to do with "me". Either does how I physically look. A lot of people say that I'm "Emo" but that's just another label, right? I don't mind though 'cause at least I fit in somewhere I guess. My hair is wavy and long and doesn’t really fit in to anything, its just my hair. I wanted to be the way that I wanted to be. I love to wear my black rimmed glasses - no matter how dumb I may look. I love my dark eyeliner for no real reason other than I love it. While the outside has nothing much to do with how I am inside, maybe it will matter to you.

I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Thus because I am somewhat of an opinionated person. I have my views on things just like you have yours. Once I fully establish what I believe, it is a hard task if you intend on breaking it. Maybe one of these things, or even habits that I will never break is referring my life and expierences with song lyrics. I stand my opinions and I refuse to back down. Im a very argumentative person by nature. I’ll rip your throat out if you get on my wrong side. This also goes hand in hand with my obsessiveness. If I love something then I really really love something. I am an extremely passionate person and sometimes it can get extremely out of hand. I can also get overly jealous or angry or upset about the smallest things. Link back to the passionate part. I cry for no reason at all. During sad songs that describe how I feel about certain things. Sometimes I will cry over nothing at all. I always feel down on myself and like I'm nothing. I look in the mirror and wonder "why?" I mean, I look down on myself somedays, and others I look totally up on myself and am glad to be who I am. I hate feeling ugly, I hate feeling fat, and I hate feeling dirty. And there are those days when I feel all three of those and I just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing until I feel better about who I am. I wish I could do that, I really do. I've tried to hard to feel better about myself, and everything I try, it works for a few weeks or so, and then it's all downhill again. But I can also be totally fun, giggly and hyper. A lot of people see this side the most. I can laugh and make you laugh your ass off. I can sometimes be a ray of sunshine people enjoy to have around. But then I can be covered by a horrific rain cloud and be drenched in rain. I do enjoy the happy me more. I do love to be layed back and not give a shit and just chill out. I admit that this is me a lot. A stupid, immature idiot. Is it obvious Bam Margera is my idol? I love the jump around. I love to laugh and I love it more when I can make others laugh. I love to joke and pull pranks on people. Life is so much more fun being a dickhead.

Music is one of the things that matters the most to me in my life. There's just something about seeing one of your favourite bands play that makes a feeling rush though your body like no other. Maybe it's singing along with all of the feeling that you can put into the song with tears streaming down your face and you try to hide them. It cannot be explained. Even just sitting alone with a headset and blasting your favourite song straight into your ears so loud that you can barely hear when you take your headphones off. Even no lyrics can give you this amazing buzz. It’s the most diffuclt thing to explain, especially to someone else that doesn’t feel it or understand it.

Another thing that matters the most to me is love. It is an on-going thing - searching for it and it seems as if I will never find it. I thought that I found it once but it wasn't good I guess. I just have the constant craving to be loved by someone, but I don’t think I will ever find it. This world is based too much around physical looks for someone like me to ever find anyone. Everyone is too shallow to dive inside, take a risk and get to know someone. Beauty isn’t on the outside.

I live for the simple things that alot of people take for granted. A beautiful sunset or a great day. Hanging out with friends or a simple compliment. Those are the things that make my day so much better. Hugs, little messages, a letter or a note... Anything that lets me know that someone really does care. I love the things that a night sky can bring. A great conversation with almost anyone and times when you feel infinite.

With these little things comes the gift of giving. Giving people small gifts of material possession can be of great value to this person, and yet so can something that cannot be seen. Something that cannot be bought. Sometimes gifts from the heart are the most treasurable material possessions. Making someone a mixtape just because or giving them a home-made card. I'm all for home-made gifts but sometimes people just don't appreciate them for what they are worth. Like a lot of things I guess.

I love to be able to express myself through forms of art. I do this mostly thought my drawings, a lot of which I will never show. Also my painting and other drawings to me express something I am feeling but it may not be visable to anyone other than myself. But I guess a lot of art is like that. I also write thing, short paragraphs of feelings which I keep in a notebook which the only person I ever really told about was my turorial teacher in the 12th grade, Lindsay Harris. Another thing of it is my photography. Anything that I see that I think is "beautiful" I will take a picture of. It's a way to remember how you felt when you first saw what's in the picture. I take my digital camera around with me sometimes when I think that there'll be something worth-while to take a picture of. See, it's amazing how you can take a picture of something and you'll always have it. And whenever the memory of it seems so fuzzy, you can look back at that picture and remember how you felt and see how beautiful everything was. New Found Glory states, "pictures fade away but memory is forever." Sometimes when the pictures aren't enough and they get torn and faded and the colours bleached from the sun shining through our windows, there's this thing called memory. Memory is something that can be used when you think that you've lost everything. I use memory a lot. I use it when I feel sad or lonely. I can remember all of those things that have happened, even though half of them are things that I don't want to remember. But you remember them and think to yourself that you never want to see that sort of thing happen again. But I let it happen again and again. Everything repeats itself.

Another important element in my life is my friends. Without them I would be nothing at all. A lot of the time I feel as if they don't care. Things have happened to make me lose friends I once held dear and its one of the hardest things to go through. Especially when its based around lies. A lot of the time I feel that I don’t want friends, I don’t need them. But deep down, I know that is a lie. Its stupid. Everyone needs somebody.

I don't care what you think. I am me and that's all there is to it. If you don't like it, I'm not forcing you to read this journal. You did it all on your own. I have too many emotions and try to find ways to express them. I often say the wrong things at the wrong time. I try to rehearse conversations and what I'm going to say to make every word come out brilliant, but it doesn't work that way. I have a horrible obsession with HIM and Bam Margera, so you may hear about them often in what I write. I'm a loving person...I'm a nice person...you just have to get on my right side. Once I wrote something. If you read this and still don't get it, you'll never "get" me. And always remember: Outside show is a poor substitute for inner worth.

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[29 Oct 2003|07:10pm]
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